When I thought I could still go home
Initially, this blog was called “Reforging a Broken Faith,” because when I first started writing this blog I was hoping I would find something that would be able to restore my unshaking certainty in the evangelical worldview.
I had hoped that this blog would be a way for myself and others to be an on-ramp back to what we used to believe.
Alas, this is not what this blog ended up becoming. Instead, it became a memorial to my growing madness and despair as I slowly realized that there would never be a moment when I would be able to return home to my old religion.
If I cared at all about Truth, it could not be found within the annals of evangelical thought.
And so I have spent the better part of a year on this blog exploring my deconstruction journey.
While it will never be over, I have had a watershed moment in my thought process, a fundamental shift in my philosophy, if you will, that demanded that I do a soft rebrand of this blog.
Letting Go of Certainty
I am incapable of having faith.
Because of the religious damage done to me, there will never be a moment when I will be able to definitively say “I believe in God,” or “I believe in eternal consciousness,” or whatever metaphysical concept it may be.
The ability to have complete certainty in this life has been completely eroded away.
I am okay with that.
In fact, I am more than okay with it. To use the Buddhist phrase: I have let go of my attachment to certainty. I will never be able to find it again, because it never existed in the first place.
So I have decided to rebrand this blog into “Unsophisticated Spirituality.” A place where I, and hopefully others, can find a place where they are exposed to new ideas that they find meaningful and helpful in a world where the religion that was supposed to help us instead decided to turn its back on all of us.
It’s called “Unsophisticated” because I want to push myself to become a better writer, but I know I will always devolve into some rant about the state of the world or evangelical belief.
Frankly, if the Hebrew prophets can do it, then so can I.
The Lingering Damage of Evangelicalism
Evangelicalism preys on uncertainty and anxiety like a vulture circling a fresh corpse. If you’ve ever been in an evangelical service, you’ve heard the phrase: “Do you know that you know that you know?…”
They promised me things they could never deliver. When I left, I thought perhaps they were right about there being some transcendent truth to be found.
It has become such a part of my thought process that I find that I am still doggedly trying to find the objective truth. Or worse, I think I found it and begin to think highly of myself. Let that never be the case.
I am beginning to understand that I may never be able to shed the constant self-doubt and mental flagellation inflicted upon me by evangelicalism.
It may be a constant battle that will never end. Hopefully, this next step will help me loosen the burden placed upon me.
If you are Still Here
I know not many people read this blog. And the few that do likely think I am going to hell. But the ones that do read it, and my ideas resonate with you:
Has anything in this space helped you at all?
There are days when I feel like I am saying the same thing over and over again. I am processing my evangelicalism like a snake eating its own tail.
If you have any ideas on where to go with the blog, feel free to give suggestions. It is my intention to move in a more positive direction with this blog. Not in the sense of saying all is well, but writing content that adds to people’s lives and spirituality.
It is my hope that I will not end up bashing on evangelicalism all the time (Which is something I will continue to do unashamedly, just a little less and more restrained).
